To Confront Or Not To Confront? What To Say When You'd Rather Not Say Anything At All

By Sarita Maybin

That is the question. Do you confront the cranky coworker, annoying neighbor, overbearing boss…or just let it go?

If you’re trying to decide whether confronting a current difficult situation makes sense or not, take a look at the two tips below. Then try the three step A.I.R. approach to sharing your concerns. This will come in handy both at work and at home.

Ask yourself:

1) Why are you confronting?

If it’s just about you wanting to be “right” don’t do it. But, if someone’s behavior is having a negative effect on you or others, it is worth saying something…and letting the person know specifically the negative impact of his or her behavior. (i.e. – “When you interrupt I feel like you’re not interested in what I have to say” or “When you arrive late it throws off everyone else’s schedule.”)

2) What are the consequences of NOT confronting?

Much like dirty dishes left sitting in the sink, confronting only gets “grungier” and more difficult as time passes. If your resentment is building and your attitude is growing sour is probably time to say something. Worse, letting the situation continue, might also be affecting the people around you.

Use "A.I.R." to Confront

When you are ready to confront, use AIR: A- Awareness, I- Impact, R-Request. This three-step model for constructively confronting a negative situation is a great tool in a variety of challenging situations.

AWARENESS –

Assume that other people are not aware of the problems that their actions are causing. Give them the benefit of the doubt. When I do workshops on dealing with workplace negativity, participants sometimes tell me that they were sent to the seminar to get their negative attitudes “fixed”. Many of them also quietly confess that they were not aware of the negative impact of their behavior. They had been walking around with the proverbial spinach in their teeth and no one had told them.

Following are possible phrases that you can use to make the other person aware of your concerns while giving him or her benefit of the doubt. Choose the ones you like the best.

“Awareness” phrases include:

“I don’t know if you’re aware of it…”
“I’m sure that it wasn’t your intention to…”
“Perhaps you didn’t realize that…”
“As you may already know…”
“I noticed that…”
“I’m getting the impression that…”
“It seems like…”

IMPACT-

This second step is a great litmus test when you are still unsure of whether or not to confront. This is the “so what?” question. Why confront? Oh, that’s right – the person’s behavior is negatively affecting you or others. This is the time to share with the other person HOW the behavior is negatively impacting you, the team, or whomever it affects. Sometimes the behavior is even having a negative impact on them (for example – “when you turn in your part of the project late and we miss the deadline, I’m concerned that it makes us both look unprofessional”)

“Impact” phrases include:

“I’m concerned that…”
“I worry that….”
“I feel that…”
“When you do ______it makes me feel ________”
“When you say______the way it affects the office is ______”

REQUEST (not a demand) -

Specifically, what do you want the person to do differently next time? In what way would you like them to change? This step is the most overlooked of the three steps. It is easy for most people to identify what they don’t want. For example: “ I wish my co-workers would stop complaining all the time”. But what do you want them to do instead? Keep concerns to themselves? Find a positive way to express their concerns? Complain to the boss or someone who can change things? Figure out solutions to the concerns? The list of possible changes is long. Most people are not mind readers, so you must let them know what YOUR preference is. By the way, standing in the middle of the office and muttering to no one in particular, “Sure would be nice if someone would answer the phone”, does not count as a request. Requests must be clear and shared with a specific person.

“Request” phrases include:

“Would you be willing to…”
“Could you please….”
“In the future I would like you to…”
“Next time I would appreciate…”
“I really need your help with…”
“I would rather you…”

Or, if you want to request input regarding future action, use:

“Would you be willing to agree to…”
“How can we resolve this?”
“What are our options?”
“Would you consider…”
“Would it be possible to….”
“Let’s…”
“Can us…”

So, to confront or not to confront? If it’s not about you being “right” and the behavior is negatively impacting you or others, confront! And, use A.I.R.!

Sarita Maybin is an award-winning speaker and author of the new book If You Can’t Say Something Nice, What Do You Say? Her audiences have fun learning to stay positive, handle communication challenges and work together BETTER! Contact her at saritatalk@aol.com or 760.439.8086, or visit http://saritamaybin.com/

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