Rewriting Your Story In Mid-life: Towards New Possibilities
By Susan Allen
(This is one in a series of articles which aim to help readers apply Life Coaching tools and strategies to the transitions and challenges of the second half of life)
I remember clearly lying on my bed in the big bedroom on the third floor of the house I grew up in, crying and crying, without completely understanding why I was so upset. I was about 11 or 12 years old. Of course this was not the first or last time my tears were a mystery to me - now at the age of 53 this outpouring occurs more than I care to admit! On that day over 40 years ago, my mother happened to find me, and in her wisdom helped me to understand that I was experiencing something quite normal and even healthy. She told me that she had felt the same way at that stage of life, namely struggling with the fear and ambivalence of growing up, of leaving childhood behind, of moving into the unknown territory of being older. Some years ago, I was fortunate enough to have similar conversations with our own children, and those continue in various forms as they are now in their twenties.
How many times over do we traverse these transitions from one phase of our lives to another? Many, I presume, and some are more obvious and public than others. In our midlife years, we are again looking back and looking forward, often with some of the same fear and ambivalence that we felt during earlier passages. Uncertainty and restlessness seem to live in us. Writing is an excellent technique to help us navigate these challenging transitions of life. In my work I have been privileged to have clients write their stories and share them with me, or more importantly we share together what it feels like to write or illustrate a story. Stories are powerful, and more often than not they move us from one point to another. From holding on to letting go. From confusion to clarity. From narrowness of vision to seeing new possibilities. From restlessness to peace (or from peace to restlessness!).
In her book New Passages, Gail Sheehy writes that “an important part of the transformative work in middle life…is to revise our own stories, forgiving the failures and composing our idealized selves with our real selves.” We learn to let go, to be more accepting of the things that probably won’t change both in ourselves and in those close to us, and hopefully we get better at accepting imperfection and becoming more forgiving.
Angeles Arrien, in her wonderful book The Second Half of Life, says this: “In our later years, we integrate the significant stories and dreams of our lifetime. We are drawn to the beauty and timeless comfort to be found in music, art, and poetry. These creative and symbolic forms of expression braid memory and imagination together to provide opportunities for reflection and to help us see what is truly meaningful in our lives.”
There are at least three benefits to writing (or “re-writing”) our stories. At the very least, it provides a wonderful chance to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. This is what Mary did. A wonderful woman in her mid-life years, Mary wrote the story of her youth, and the very difficult story of her alcohol abuse for over 10 years during her teens and twenties. She treasured the pages, even giving me a copy for safekeeping in my office. As she wrote and read and re-read her story, she became more and more clear about who she was and what her life looked like. Forgiveness, clarity and understanding emerged. From that point on, she was more able to move on, to work hard at fashioning a new life for herself, and Mary continues to write and live her story in new ways. Her writing was calming and powerful.
Second, we can deepen our understanding of others and their thoughts and feelings. Try writing your story from the point of view of your mother or father, your brother or sister, or some other significant person in your life. Emma was a mid-life woman struggling with her self image. When I encouraged her to go home and ask her family and friends to write something about how they saw her and what they liked about her, she returned with a broad smile, so excited to open her manila envelope full of the words and letters which led her to new insights and reflections. This can be fun, and stretch you into new ways of seeing yourself in the world!
Finally, try writing new chapters. This is a great exercise in seeing new possibilities, and thinking about “what life might look like” if you allow yourself to intentionally move in a new direction. Kara did this with her vibrant collage. A very creative and expressive woman in her early 50’s, Kara told her story through pictures. Her youth and the first part of her adulthood were illustrated with wonderful words and images on the left side of a large poster, and her goals and hopes and visions for the future were on the right. In the middle of the collage was a big fire, which she said represented the strength of the transition she experienced as she traveled the path from past to present and then into the future. Kara was so energized by her creative vision, that she was inspired to work toward changes in her career, eventually leaving her 9 to 5 job to write and publish stories of her own! Re-writing in this way can be freeing and permission-granting.
If you’re interested in taking the next step, there are endless ways to re-write your story. Of course there is actual writing. Journaling, poetry, auto-biographical writing or even fiction. And if you’re a more visual person, then make a timeline, craft a collage, or draw or paint a series of illustrations. One of my clients decorated a beautiful box with images which reflected her story, and the box became a special place for her to keep important mementos. My husband, who loves to drive and travel, took some time to “drive” through some of his story. He visited his nursery school, many special places of his youth, and spent some time on the Mohegan Reservation where his father’s family had roots. What a powerful journey, and what a wonderful way to see life in new ways!
Angeles Arrien talks about the "power of story:" "Stories are found in every culture of the world and are the oldest teaching tool we have. They are present at all rites of passage to provide a map of the tasks, challenges, tests and gifts we may face....And as is true in any universal story, we are not alone. We find many helping allies, as well as obstacles, unexpected gifts, and unforeseen circumstances that catalyze our growth and strip away what is unnecessary in our lives."
Write on!
Dr. Susan E. Allen is a Life Coach and Licensed Psychologist, specializing in the Second Half of Life. She is the founder of LifeThemes Coaching, and offers individual and group coaching as well as workshops which provide tools for enriching life after 50. Please email comments and questions to lifethemescoaching@verizon.net, or go to www.lifethemescoaching.com to set up a free phone call. Susan lives and works in Newburyport, MA.
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