Does Yelling Really Work?

By Wouter Van Der Hall

If you have never yelled at your kids, this article is not for you.

O, you are all still here?

Yelling is a very common way of dealing with our children, whether we like it or not. Is yelling effective? It depends what you want to achieve, really.

Sometimes, yelling out when your child is about to cross the street in front of a car or doing something else that can endanger them right now is the right thing to do. You are trying to break into their mind for a fraction of a second to stop them.

Most of the time yelling is less about our kids than about us. We are angry, frustrated, feel powerless or simply fed up. Our patience is shattered and we simply burst out in loudness, in yelling. Our kids are experts at getting us that far, they have been watching us all their life and know exactly what button to push to bring that out. Whether they like it or not.

Why do we do it?
Because at that moment we don't know how to either push them away (leave me alone, I need space)or get them to listen when they don't do what we want them to. We don't have other tools to deal with the situation.

Why do they do it?
Our kids can push us for many reasons. Sometimes to get what they want, whether it is attention or to get you to give up your resistance to what they want from you. Sometimes they don't know, especially as their hormones are flying all over the place. Then they don't have the tools to deal with things differently.

Do you think it works?
In general yelling is a quick release for you that can build up all kinds of negative effects. Kids can learn to fear you because you are the adult out of control and they don't know what else you will do. They can do things because you yelled, but basically that is only short term and creates resentment, they don't learn what you want them to learn from your yelling. Like how they may take out the trash, but the sharing of tasks together part doesn't click in very well. They hear the yelling, not the message, however positive that message may be intended. And you? You will likely feel a brief flash of power and then guilt will sink in quickly again. Until the next time you feel pushed over the edge.

What can you do different?

1. Be responsible for your own feelings: if you are angry, that is your issue, not theirs, you have to solve it, not they. (It can be that you are angry at your spouse, your boss, your parents or at live in general or because you didn't get what you wanted when you were young. That is your stuff, not your kid's)

2. Yes, take a breath, step away, count to ten and think about whether you can act as a parent, without anger, frustration, resentment. Just stepping out give you an opportunity to break the tension that is building up inside. Use this break an check yourself out before you go back: can I do this without immediately flipping out?

3. If you do flip out, stop and apologize. say something like "Sorry, that is not the way I want to talk with you. I need to cool off and we'll talk about this later" and then go and cool off!!

4. Think about what triggers you and try to find new tools to deal with situations that trigger you like that. We all have buttons that others can push. If we get to know them, we can get a better handle on how react and even realize that your child is not the same as the one who helped you get so sensitive about that.

Do you want to do it differently?
I know you want the best for your children and you yelling is not your best. They want you to help them grow up and be confident, trusting adults. By taking your own responsibility and aiming to change from yelling to solving things more positively, you help them, not just now, but for a life time.

You will have a lot more fun together, too. And isn't that what you really want?

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